Do you ever just not know who you are? Everybody leads a different life, and for various different reasons. Have you ever got lost to find your way? I know I have. Some people have lived the same life with the same routines, responsibilities etc. for years and haven’t really known any different, whilst holding on tight to those situations and surroundings that are all too familiar. Whilst others have been hurled onto a new path; whether it was stumbled across unexpectedly when lost or taking a short cut, a closure on the path you were on, or even finding yourself amongst a cascade of crashes along a particular route.
We have all gone through these ‘crisis’ moments of questioning oneself, finding your place in the world, what it is you are doing exactly, and trying to find that place of contentment and self worth…but does that ‘final destination of finding yourself’ even exist? Will you ever be happy with what you have, or are you always searching for the next thing? Don’t get me wrong, I am a firm believer of always continuing to learn and develop oneself, BUT there is a difference between building on present happiness and searching for that initial happiness to build from. Let’s face it, life happens; people come and go, relationships, marriage, separations, children, new job, health impacts, relocations, waistlines… do you ever think that this place that you’re searching for is in fact where you are right now? Regardless of the route that you have taken to get there.
This comes from taking time out to think about what it is I am doing and examine who I am. Quite deep, eh, but let’s face it– we have all had that extra thinking time in recent months. I have always joked that I am dangerous with my own thoughts and too much time spent with me, myself, and I but you know what? All of this time spent with just me and my thoughts has been unbelievably beneficial. I most definitely went through several years experiencing the loss of my identity and pride post diagnosis and trying to find myself. I then got to thinking what it is that I have been up to post diagnosis in an attempt to establish myself. Here goes (in no particular order); I continued working full time for a year in complete denial, got my own flat, ran a half marathon, been through counselling twice – most recently in October which seems to have ‘done the trick’ so to speak, stalked Green Day on tour around Europe for a bit, spent 5 weeks in India, went to college, went to university, travelled to Prague for the first MS Sessions conference, diagnosed with young onset Parkin, made amazing friends from all over the world through my various travels, continued to go into mosh pits, worked where health permitted, volunteered, failed, succeeded, loved, lost, grieved, gained many tattoos, tackled my depression, and grown my asymmetrical hair cut out.
Be quiet. Know when to quit. Find that passion.
I feel that to truly know yourself and what it is you want out of any given situation is one of the most important life skills you can possess. Whether that happens at 18, 28, in your 30’s, 40’s… (see where I’m going with this?). The experiences along those roads that I was talking about earlier all contribute to yourself and purpose. You’ll never truly know anyone else until you know yourself. At 32 I have only just started to analyse and get to know myself, and as for what it is I want to do with all of my experiences so far? I’m still figuring that one out, but I am sure as hell enjoying the road that I’m currently on, and happy with where I am right now until it is discovered.