Beautiful Trauma…

There are many mornings when I wake up, shuffle into the bathroom resembling nothing short of John Wayne, one eye closed in an attempt to overcome the double vision, sit there on the loo spaced out with exhaustion despite getting a good 8 hours sleep, and then bumping back and forth between the walls because balance, coordination, and leg strength isn’t on my side today. I was awake half of the night with leg spasms, that should have been my first warning sign of how this day is going to pan out. This is when it hits me. This is when it hits me that I am not OK. MS is always there in the background, lurking, and then it has the utter audacity to rear its God awful ugly head.

Sitting on the sofa with my breakfast, which takes a good 45 min to eat. Maybe the gag reflexes are non-existent, I end up having various coughing fits, or even guiding the spoon into my mouth ends up over my nose in an epic detour, resulting in the froth from the instant cappuccino looking like I have had a wild time with the devil dust. Maybe that’s why I feel like I am falling apart this morning? Then of course sipping my coffee without dribbling, missing my mouth or wearing half of it (this goes for the cereal too). This is just breakfast; I have the entire day of navigating my way through life to go…that in itself warrants me to take a quick 5 minute doze to prepare myself for what this day will bring. I have had 7 years of this, I know when the day will be a right off with MS by now, and what’s to come. That 5 minute doze just ends up with me staring into space for a couple of hours waiting for the energy to hit, the energy to get up, carry my cutlery to the kitchen without dropping it and shuffle back to the bedroom to get ready for the day, and so the real effort begins (because as if sitting there doing sod all wasn’t enough, jeeeeez life – give me a break)…

I now take my showers in the evenings because having one in the morning is just too much effort at the best of times, especially when it is an early start. At least that’s one thing that I don’t have to tackle with, but even just undressing, washing my face, brushing teeth (literally just holding an electric toothbrush is too much effort at times), deciding what to wear, applying a bit of makeup and even sliding the straighteners through my hair is enough to whack me out. Time for another break? I certainly think so – get that coffee on the go. It is during this coffee break that it is decided to cancel all plans for the day. Absolutely LOVE it when I’m all dressed up with nowhere to go – but at least I can lounge around the flat with some style, you never know I may want to finally venture out at some point (LOL, JKES, PMSL), or that amazon order that I have forgotten about turns up – always prepared for many eventualities, me.

Spend the day catching up on life admin; and by that I mean replying to texts, snaps, checking the socials…you know the important topics of who’s relationship is now in the ‘it’s complicated’ stage, a good ole’ debate going on between d*ckhead 1 and d*ckhead 2 on how to pronounce scone…which then takes the next level of whether the jam or cream goes on first, and THEN THE CAPS COME OUT –  things are getting Intense now, who’s announcing that they are going to be having a FB clear out and the world all of a sudden comes out to comment on their status begging for survival, and my absolute favourite, people who have checked into the hospital/doctors or even from their own f*cking coffin and reply with ‘I’ll DM you hunzzz’ when asked what’s the matter. Anyways, I digress but you see where my day of ‘entertainment’ is heading. I then take a nap, which turns into a full blown sleep of about 3 hours, a good cry from hitting absolute exhaustion, check in with a few friends, beans on toast for dinner, a quick shower, and in bed by 8pm. I am Romeo done for the day.

Tomorrow will be a better day. I need to keep reminding myself of this. If I can eat my breakfast in 20 mins and fill my eyebrows in, then I consider that a life win.

F*ck you MS. I will hit back a lot f*cking harder.

(by the way I pounce it scon (as in gone), and I put the cream on first.

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Shuffles out